MeliGoesRogue

It seems impossible to fly into this city and not think of you. To feel the wind on my face and not think of that first time I saw you standing in the freezing cold waiting for me.

Time has made me less susceptible to the nostalgia of those memories. So while I remember that smile on your face I remember the anger in your eyes the next day when I feel short of your expectations. I no longer see just snowflakes I see the blizzard I stood in. I still however wonder where you are. Whether concrete walls are once again your home or whether you’ve found how to push thru and be the man your grandmother always knew you to be.

I am so different from that girl you once kept on the phone for hours. Who was she ? How deep and wide were the body of lies she believed that ran thru her. I’m not quite out of that river yet but I know that what we shared was not love. It was power it was possession it was fear. Neither of us was ready for the next stage of our lives and our presence in each other’s lives kept us tethered to a past we no longer belonged too.

I hate that I had to live thru you. I hate that I offered up so much of me for your amusement. I hate that the words I love you escaped my lips so many times, but worse I hate that you were a reinforcement of a misconception of love and sex, one that I continued long after I tried to quit you.

Why is my name still written in your bible, why does a city call your name to me. I thank God I no longer answer, “I am temporarily disconnected”. Unable and unwilling to return to the time and space where every moment of my day was accounted for and never belonged to me.

I made it, back in the safety of the terminal.

Mom said there is this switch inside and with one flick everything changes. I was sure that was an oversimplification, but I’m finding she is right and more than that I think that’s the day the switch flipped. The standard changed all of a sudden and nothing seems acceptable and yet everything seems possible. I now sit with the traffic of hundreds of people, some finding their way home others off on an adventure or the few that are most at home in these crowded halls with only letters and numbers to situate you. It is in the reflection of the sky in the smooth floor that I see the possibilities, the one that my grief, fear and loneliness prevented me from seeing. Right now in this moment, I am lucky, I am blessed, I am fulfilled, satisfied but expectant of the future. Mom you did that for me, silent support has pushed me to jump into free fall, you are the net beneath me. Strong only because even you find your strength in something other than yourself.

There are so many things my heart still longs for, the switch has not shut those off but now I’m willing to trust in “perfect timing”. I see that now only after seeing the consequences and scars I myself am responsible for. I don’t know that I’ll be here tomorrow I can only trust that each day I will renew this desire to wait and truthfully choose to no longer struggle.

But Now….