MeliGoesRogue

It seems that fog is this necessary part of the ecosystem that God has created. So often my life seems full of fog. I remain unable to see in front of me or even that which stands within me. My blessings and the love of those around me. I have allowed a fog to hover above those things. This fog of past hurts and lies I have refused to refute with truth.

I sit in my wicker chair a large blanket draping me and I see that the fog has taken its leave from my mind and now sits out on the Sound where only the ever changing water is hidden. It is here that clarity has come. I am relinquishing ownership. I no longer wish to carry the perpetuation of the lies that I have believed so long. And yet even in that statement there is a lie. I knew they were lies but they had become part of my routine. Wash face, moisturize, believe items I know to be lies- go to work.

The hardest part of today is realizing and accepting my blame in these matters. The pain is no longer from my abuse but from the decisions I have continually made from the place of fear, control and desire. I feel ashamed and angry that I have allowed myself to go so far and so deep.

For so long sleep has eluded me. In a very real way I have been unable to calm my mind and provide enough security to allow myself to relax and descend into the dark tranquil facet of the night. I have robbed myself of the very regeneration I have needed. I realize now that all those man made creations have been unable to calm me because I my battle has not been against just my flesh but rather the mind that I have listed for rent to a war zone.

I’ve been sitting with this concept of transfiguration. This idea that something wrought with pain and sadness can be transfigured into a pillar or proof of love and truth. Yet as the water washes upon the shore I am sure of this possibility. This definition I have written for myself is written in pencil, able to be erased and instead the truth able to be etched in stone with a chisel and patience. I am grateful for my desire for solitude for it has brought me to an understanding of companionship not offered by man.

A new day awaits me in just a few hours, even in the thickest night I can see it somewhere on the horizon. For once I don’t fear it and its uncertainty. For once I am taking comfort and solace in the truth that I don’t know what time is. I don’t know what the future is but I am holding tightly to it.

In the tongue and groove of this ceiling I have found the truth that was always etched in my heart. Soon the organ will play and my heart will soar.

As I roam upon this land that was created I find these pockets of myself as if they had been hidden from the beginning of time, this lifelong Easter egg hunt.

In his resurrection I find my own.