MeliGoesRogue

I dare not measure my heart against yours. Yours is the measure of a man that is complete. That has no need of me and yet I cry out in the night for your want of me. I would take all the pain in your heart and carry it in mine. I would do it because I know that you would carry me.

I take a small part of your heart, your loyalty, fidelity and unwillingness to compromise and I measure it against the fullness of my heart that beats with a vengeance.

The sky lights above me with no discernible sound to match. Instead the wind blows furiously against my skin. It is a reminder that the darkness is coming. The darkness of the morning when I find you are not in the place I imagined you in as my eyes fluttered to sleep.

As I have aged I have found the depths with which I love grow deeper and yet my willingness to cry over its loss lessen. Not because it does not pain me so but because the pain brings forth anger and bitterness, while the tears left a trace of hope. Where is my Hope now ? I hear your voice in my head urging me to the hill where I would find it yet my feet find themselves unwilling to make a journey that might end without the answer I have so desperately craved.

I have not walked this earth long enough to feel the depths of this despair and yet here I sit. Forcing my back against the wind as if it would tire and relent. Leaving me to the night and it’s menacing glow.

What does it matter now? My attempts to numb myself futile. My heart so full of life and unwilling to be numbed. Try as I might I can not nullify the pain. Instead I retreat into the pain of others, as I watch their distress and their resolution. I sit and pray for my own.

” no one is you, but others will do”

My desire inhales this notion and yet my heart inquired who is it that will do? I push the logic aside searching instead for the fantasy that will quell the loss within me. Shall I turn off that part of me that wants, loves, needs to care. Is there another with the ability to wake me from my cursed sleep like sleeping beauty.

Have these efforts to find the round peg been in vain ?

Somehow I am that little girl again, sitting on the grass as the sun sets behind her house, wondering what is beyond the horizon. I stand at the waters edge looking out and still I cannot find it.

The wind brings forth the drops of water from the heavens urging me out of this ghastly slavery. But the umbrella covers me and the sound of it falling against the canvas only pushes me further into the oblivion I now seek.

The silent noise fills the air and my ears welcome it’s commands.

“I am unfinished, I am diminished with or without you….we do not belong together”