MeliGoesRogue

I don’t even remember how to make the salve. I can feel the stinging and can’t accept that I’m back here again. Who broke you that now you can only love that which you break.

Everyone sees strength in me and all I see is the girl you broke. How do I get back ?

I hate her so much. I hate that she made you this. I hate that I believed her. I hate myself for thinking more of people. My legs shaking reminding me of my fragility. How do I ease my mind so my sleep doesn’t turn to nightmares or rather memories of you.

soon the ratios return and I stand before the mirror almost broken applying the cream to my face. It’s hard to be here again, so many years have passed and still your hands mark me. I try to untangle the web you formed in my mind all those years ago. Your love and the red marks on my body.

Except this time I am not hiding. This time I can not hide. What would have been my response if the marks on my body had been as before…invisible.

I’ve been trying to explain you and who I was for the last 48 hours. Shame has flooded me and I have found the dam broken unwilling to hold back anymore the lies I once held as truth.

I pity you. Truly I do. I pity who we both were and who you continue to be. I hate you and yet as my brokenness is revealed to the world I think of the one who once broke you. It is not love or even compassion I feel but instead an understanding of who I could have turned into without the love of all those who surround me.

I am trying to focus on myself in these moments as the healing of my face catches up to the healing of the wounds that were reopened. Laying on the floor with you above me, how quickly I reverted to my learned behavior. To lie and wait until the moment passed and soon the monster would be replaced with the man who couldn’t find air without me. But I was never air, I was a drug. But I choose again to no longer be used to reach your euphoria.

It is only those who know me best that are able to remind me of the strength I somehow cobbled together all those years ago. Every part of my flesh wishes death and pain for you and yet the broken girl inside me calls to the broken boy in you and prays that you would find the strength to break the cycle she created in you. Whether you choose too or not I will not be here. The death of your love lies in the waters i now again rise from. Even if I must choose to rise again each day, he gives me strength and I will Rise. Not in my strength, now I try to see his strength that walked out of that house, that blocked every desire for you and convinced me over and over of the value I needed to place on myself.

In the words of my heroine and enemy ” I must respect myself”