MeliGoesRogue

I started the evening as I have many times before, sitting in the dark and waiting. Waiting for the ton of bricks to come down upon me and shock me into this next year of life. Instead the words that I wrote became less a proclamation and more of the concealment of a matter. What follows is my inability to keep even this private of an understanding to myself. I could not live the word transparency more.

I’ve never understood the phrase. “Another turn around the sun”. This idea that the sun is the focal point of my ever change fullness . The moon seems a more accurate companion for me. My the lessons this turn has taught me.

As is typical of the darkest moment of the night coming before the dawn so also has been the darkest moments before this turn has reached its end. Learning to accept the loss of life of those I have cared for and even still the loss of who I once was and who I once might have loved. The door creeps open as I step into the woman whose skin is fresh and new. I have learned the strength within myself, the deep love and support of others and most importantly self control. I am learning still now in the stillness of the night air how dangerous desires are when they are given into with reckless abandon.

Abandon. A word which has wielded so many meanings for me. I read somewhere the word in its original form carried in it a sense of ” put something under someone else’s control”. It seems the instinctive action I had was correct but the someone else part has been wrong all along. I have given control to those who have desired to exercise it for their own desires. Until now…now when I have found you who refuses to take the reins and instead points me to a perfect being whose control is without malice and perfectly timed. Perhaps this is why I feel so safe with you, perhaps this is why my heart cries out it must be love.

But to love as we are now would only prove us to be earthen vessels with cracks too big to contain what lies within. So I must re-examine the authority to who I will “abandon” my desires too. Upon reflection I realize there is no one other than God who could direct me so gently down paths I wish not to walk upon. So as I begin this new turn around the moon, around my savior I say ” I abandon my scheme of happiness.” it is not a desertion in the sense of hope being lost but rather a realiZation that I am incapable to achieving it or even finding it by myself.

I can see the fruits of this year already beginning and unlike previous birthdays I find myself eager and up for the challenge. I don’t know what this looks like and I can’t imagine how many times I will fail but I know the only way to get closer is one decision at a time.

It is no longer the eve of my 30 something birthday. It is here the moon glows and urges me to sleep and find the sun and allow it guide me for this turn.