MeliGoesRogue

We left Istanbul this morning. I was sad to leave not because the city itself had left me speechless but because the experience had. I have never believed in the statement “Travel expands your horizons” more than I have on this trip. I came to a predominantly Muslim country. Filled with Mosques and women covered from head to toe. Coming from a place like America heck even my country of Colombia this was a foreign experience and concept. My last post I discussed the staring that I have experienced. As I mentioned I attempted to attribute positive intent but I the cynical perhaps American part of me remained unsure. As we emerged ourself in the city for the final time, I found myself engaging more with the idea that the staring these men were doing was actually communication. The women here are covered with only their eyes exposed. Because of the time we are living in where masks and distance is the norm, we are just beginning to experience what it is to communicate our feelings with just our eyes. They have been doing this for quite a bit of time.

Segue- not so smooth but it doesn’t matter, the air is growing cold and this has to come out. I believe in God…and Jesus, this is a vital addition. I am roaming a land that believes that latter to just be a man, a man that I hold as God made into man. I come from a place that claims to hold those beliefs as tenants of its existence (we wont get into the technical part that America was founded by Deists), yet again I find that a people who are considered to not know the truth and a brutal, hierarchal structure show more reverence in any given day than most of us can muster on a Sunday morning. They will know you by your fruits it says and yet I have found more crisp red apples here than I have found even in my own church. No I’m not converting, but how can I call myself a child of God if I can’t even love or even honor those who haven’t yet had the truth of God revealed to them. Has it been so long for so many of us since we stood in the dark that we can’t be willing to allow the stumbles of those who keep falling down steps and tripping. Have we…neigh have I become so arrogant that I believe that God can’t use others to teach me or rather lift the mirror and reveal that the love that I claim to have for my Savior is not even evident. Do you know what it is to stop what your doing five times a day, cleanse yourself and kneel on holy ground and pray, be it in trouble, gratitude, fear…etc. I stopped to think of the connection between all these Muslims that are all kneeling and praying at these same time each day every day, it seems in a way the truest since of flooding the throne with prayers. Connecting them as we are called to be the body of Christ, separate and yet connected. But how do we reflect it….the simple answer is we don’t. Please don’t confuse me again no one here is converting, I know the truth of the God I serve and the Jesus I love and the Holy Spirit that guides me but the point I am working towards is that loving God and accepting his gift doesn’t mean that gratitude, honor and reverence is no longer required, if we are honest….it should come even more freely.

Let’s move the romantic portion of this post, mostly because as mentioned I’m starting to freeze my booty cakes and I want to write this before it buries itself deep within me, informing me as so much of the negative has. I met an man during these travels, this isn’t uncommon for me. Ive been told that my eyes are powerful and I can be very communicative with them and I guess thats accurate since day two I received my first marriage proposal.

My mom taught me this real cool thing about starting the year with a word. Its meant to be found after prayerful consideration. this year my word was self-care. I assumed that meant get more massages, don’t take myself too serious and feel free to say no. However kind of late in the year a phrase became apparent to me and it began to inform the way I work with people, the way I travel and most importantly the way I love. “This will either be a great love, or a great lesson”. This has proved to be truth for me in Istanbul. I was shown such love and tenderness and when I compared it against the coarse sexual nature of the American man that is my reference I realize just how much I am actually missing. Alas I this is not my home and soon a plane will take me back to the walls I’ve built and he won’t be there with me. I don’t even know if I need him there but I needed the lesson he was willing to provide me. At dinner tonight I was talking to my friend and we were discussing the correspondence and she made a comment “but you believe in love at first sight right”. It took me aback for a moment…I did believe that…I do believe that, but I also know my tendency to love more than my other half. For now I am enjoying this teenage love, filled with proclamations, flowers, kisses on eye lids and walks along the sea wall. I don’t want this moment to end and while I am still on this side of the world it lives and feeds me.

I want to continue to prostrate myself before you all, bearing my soul and all its fears and insecurities and yet somehow I want to save them. I want to share them with someone who holds my hands as we cross the street and holds my gaze, reading in my eyes the things that perhaps I can’t say or worse I don’t even know are within. This doesnt mean the end of my blog or even the end of the transparency I have started with those closest but rather the understanding that a partner is the one…because I do believe in that will be the one worthy of hearing them as he tucks my hair behind my ear and caresses my face when he hears the sadness that has rocked my core.

Do you remember burning CD’s. Downloading songs and creating these awesome mixes. Do you remember creating entire new CD’s just to add one or two songs that you just couldn’t stop listening to. I do that for my trips, luckily its as easy as adding songs to a playlist and downloading for offline listening. I have so many but the ones for each of my travels connect with memories and no matter how the song comes on I can remember them and even hear in my head the next song on the playlist. As I sit on the rooftop looking out at the city below with my “Let’s talk Turkey” I realize that the songs on there, the love ones at least are reflective of the hours he and I shared together…all I can seem to say ‘would you take the wings from birds so that they cant fly, would you take the oceans roar and leave just a sigh. All this your heart wont let you do, this what I beg of you, don’t take your love from me’. I’m not saying I’m in love (insert Hercules song) but rather for a bit longer I want to bathe in someone else loving me more than I can currently reciprocate.

I think for tonight thats enough. There are more stories to tell and just a few more short nights in which to tell them. Be patient with me as I balance my happiness with the need to relive these stories via this medium. In the mean time I leave you with a few photos from our time in Istanbul before I take you to Cappadocia.