MeliGoesRogue

I don’t pretend to believe that I am the only girl, woman or person that has trouble with the word parents. Whether it be death, divorce or distraction, there was something that has  kept your parents from you. It is an interesting predicament. As a child you long for that missing parent wondering where they are and why they are not there when you rise and when you lay down, yet as you age and understand the concept of free will and decisions the ones that have choices lose their excuse.

My father was not a part of my life during the impressionable and surprisingly memorized time of my childhood. It was not however my mothers doing. A source of constant tension I assure you. My mother made my father a present part of our lives. I can’t imagine it was easy for her to speak of “Papi” when memories or thoughts of him would remind her of the very reason she left that place he had made their home. But she pushed past her discomfort because being a parent means your discomfort is irrelevant…as in not a factor. So there are videos upon videos of me singing the Cinderella song and dancing on the balcony of a very costly dream come true. Who were these videos for you ask..for the man who probably never saw them, he who did not see my childhood as a necessity but more as the impediment to the new future he now had.

I think it’s obvious where my loyalties lie. I never made any secret of it. Yet I don’t see it as a loyalty but rather a respect and reverence commanded by years of submission to the position of parenthood filled by the woman I call mama.

I differ greatly from the two siblings who grew up in the same home as me, and heard the same cries from a broken woman. I can’t explain the difference in perspective. I wish I could explain, it would probably  make it easier to look at my brother and sister and see love and not betrayal. I realized recently that I am pretty big on loyalty. My sister is very big on loyalty- she is her own episode of mob wives and yet I can’t see past her loyalty to him.

My brother’s position seems untenable, being a boy turned to man I can only imagine the feelings that well up in him as a fatherless boy and a man now responsible for the life of a blonde haired boy. Can he see himself live life without his son? Can he not see the lengths he would go too to be with him…if he can’t does he feel shame ?

So much of my life I have kept hidden under the sheets of my king size bed. My problem has always been that I don’t know how to share just a little bit of me, so I always waited for someone to ask for me to share. Someone I love(you know who you are) recently asked me for “my story”. I gave her the long and the short of it but it made me think of those things I have lived thru…things I don’t share…things no one knows about. Maybe by keeping these things hidden I have hidden more than my truth I have hidden the truth of the woman I am now.

I hope this white page and this blinking blue line will push me towards the truth.

My enemy arrives soon…he brings in tow the heart and body of someone I love so greatly. My actions don’t always demonstrate my love, mostly because when he is with him he is behind enemy lines and we are on radio silence. I hope to have some time alone with him..for our “debrief”. I want so much to share why my distrust and lack of love is directed at the man we both fall father but I fear two things, both things I have experienced. 1. That the years of love and trust between us would shatter when the news of mistreatment is stated. 2. That their love or trust would be withheld from him.  The latter carries too much responsibility.

I heard recently that people who do not believe in God’s justice or vengeance feel the need to pick up their weapon and wage war but those of us who do believe or at least are trying defer their anger and seek refuge in the altar of our Heavenly Father  believe that one day their true “Papi” will bring forth justice and will avenge the mistreatment of his princess.

I pray to be a princes a worthy of vengeance. In the meantime I pray for patience till the time comes and for the grace to treat my enemies with something other than anger and true sadness.