MeliGoesRogue

What’s happening in my heart is so complicated. As with so many things in my life, I had an image of what this little trip would be and instead I was forced to re imagine it en route. For so long I have dreamed of fields and mountains which stood in stark opposition to the landscape of my life. I had hoped to share the awakening with someone important but instead I was left on my own.

How do you reconcile a heart with cracks with a filling of the soul that seems…I don’t even know the word to suit…endless perhaps. Part of my heart is broken and the other is being filled.

My first time in Ireland I felt this ease this finally home feeling that was replicated somewhat this weekend. I kept thinking of all the things we were supposed to do together and instead it’s me looking out of the floor to ceiling windows alone.

I’ve lived so much of this life in this perpetual state of solitude. Many times of my own making but more often than not because the higher power I have entrusted at least most of the time my life too has deigned it to be.

Being here in this city. I’ve appreciated the dichotomy of being filled yet with a hole in the bucket dear Liza.

Expectations are for fools I am finding to be true. Shall I live no longer expecting. Or expecting only from myself. Yet all I seem to be able to ask is…what’s wrong with me. Am I so undesirable that not even my money can bring people by my side.

I can no longer spend time thinking of this instead I realign myself to the story that was born in this city. Born from the need to create conflict that I can at least resolve.

To my last night in a city filled with promise, love, lust and more stories.